Channeling My Power ~ Boudoir Guest Blog, Vancouver, WA

So. Boudoir.

When I saw Brittney’s e-mail looking for brand ambassadors, I figured I might as well take a shot. I had had a previous experience with a boudoir session that was a total flop, but I still had hope that boudoir could be the experience that I thought it could be. Little did I realize how eye opening the whole experience would be for me!

I have never had a good relationship with my body or my sexuality. I grew up in a home that shamed anything sexual and frequently spoke about my body in negative ways. As I aged, I felt very self conscious about my small breasts and large hips, paired with my very short stature. Clothes didn’t fit right, and men only saw me for my butt. Because of my poor self image I constantly put myself into relationships that were unhealthy. One had a severe porn addiction that lowered my opinion of myself so much that it haunted me for years, no matter what I tried to do I could never compare to these other women. More than one treated me as if I wasn’t much more than a body and it caused me to shut down in many ways. I did not realize that boudoir would give me an opportunity to bring up and conquer these demons.

After I found out that I was chosen for the brand ambassador position I was very excited, and then the panic set in. I realized that I had no idea what sexy meant to me. I had spent so many years comparing myself to other women, body types, and fantasies, that I was lost. I also had to come to terms with the fact that I had agreed to let many strangers on the internet see a part of me that, not only had I not shown to another human, but also had no clue about myself. Let’s not mention the fact that part of that included a LIVE feed that I somehow managed to skim over! So, here are a few things that I learned through this process:

It was such a mess when I started looking for outfits. Lingerie has never been a thing for me, minus the brief stint of trying to impress the porn addict, so I was totally lost and very self conscious. I felt more comfortable naked, because what man doesn’t like a naked body? Right? I wasn’t going to get my personal style or choices judged or told they were not right or good enough. But, I also knew that I liked the look of so many things and wanted to incorporate that. It took a lot of soul searching and reading for me to really understand that boudoir can be for ME, and can be a great healing experience, so that is where I took it.

I came to realize that for me, sexy is not just one thing. It did not have to be all lacy or all sweaters or all my partners tee shirt. It could be all of that! And I know that may seem common sense to some, but I had spent so much time trying to be what someone else wanted that I thought you had to be a “type”. It was a very liberating and exciting feeling and gave me a great confidence when time for photos finally came around.

Women empowering women is such a beautiful and magical thing. Being able to see the beauty in each other and lift that up instead of tearing it down is so powerful, and let me tell you that I had to channel that power when stepping into that shoot! In the few days leading up to the photo shoot I suddenly lost all of that confidence that I had built up during all of my prep. I was not skinny enough, my outfits weren’t the right ones, my skin was weird, and obviously my cellulite was going to be an issue...Damn these negative voices in my head!

But I had committed to this so I knew there was no backing out. I kept telling myself that I was enough, it was going to be fun, and that this was a great opportunity to show other women like me that they are also enough regardless of what that voice says. If I can go on the internet wearing a barely there outfit and do a live feed photo shoot, there is no reason that someone else couldn’t rock this experience in the safety of Brittney’s studio doing photos for their eyes only!! I also spoke to the other brand ambassador and we were able talk about our fears and build each other up. Women supporting women!

I am a planner, so leading up to the shoot I made sure that all of the things that I wanted done were done. I got my hair done, painted my nails, shaved what was needed, packed my clothes, picked out jewelry and shoes, and got a really nice facial just to boost my confidence. It also helped me realize that as a mom of two young kids, that self care is so important! This all helped me feel much more prepared when I walked into the shoot. We talked about outfits and then chatted while I got my hair and make up done. I could not believe the person who looked back at me. It was me, but put together in a grown up confident woman way. I felt marvelous and totally ready.

Then it was time to start! It was so easy to work with Brittney! There was so much subtle direction that I knew exactly what to do but didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong. She told me where to look and how to move my body, when to smile, and when to breathe and it took all of the guess work out of it for me. We talked and laughed in-between photos and that helped even more to boost my confidence, because they were beautiful. They looked exactly like I felt! I was a little sad at the end because the shoot felt so short and I knew that meant I was headed back to ‘real life’. I was excited to see all of the photos but again a little nervous to share them with everyone else. Again, my fears disappeared when I saw all of the amazing photos. I honestly cannot think of any that I didn’t like at all! The smiles though were so eye opening for me, that being myself and taking the opportunity and risk to do this pictures, created that joy!

I have continued to use this experience in my life because of these lessons. I got to see a strong confident side of myself that I hadn’t known. I have been able to build and nurture relationships with women in my life and change my mindset on my relationships with and opinions women in general. I was able to work through some trauma and know that my body and sexuality belong to me and no one else. It has been a beautiful thing.

If you have been considering boudoir, I cannot recommend it enough. The getting ready is fun, the shoot is a blast, Brittney is great, the photos are amazing, but the potential for growth and healing is magical!