I had the honor of photographing this amazing woman last month. She booked me about six months ago as a gift o boudoir photos for herself for her 30th birthday. And then COVID happened… and we waited… and watched… Clark County, WA hit Phase 2, and I was allowed to open my studio again, TWO DAYS before her scheduled session! It was meant to be!

Being my first studio session with all of the new re-opening requirements, she was a total trooper sticking with me as a fumbled through verbal direction and had to continue wiping the fog off my viewfinder. LOL We even had to do our review appointment via Zoom! And then, not only did she sign a release so that I could share her BEAUTIFUL images, but she ALSO wrote this amazing guest blog post for me! I’m going to shut up now and let you read HER words, because I really couldn’t say things any better than she has here.

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I want to confess something; I’m not in love with my body. That’s hard for me to say but I never really have been. I have never looked at myself in the mirror without clothes on and thought man I look good. I look in the mirror and see stretch marks that cover my stomach, a scar from having my first child, a saggy chest, thighs that always seem to be touching, and the extra 10 pounds that never seems to go away. But I want to love myself. I want to look at myself and say “man am I beautiful”.

Now here is the big question. Why would someone who feels like this about themselves want to be photographed in such an intimate way and have them forever. The simple answer because I wanted to see myself the way the one person who knows me best does. I wanted to see myself the way my husband sees me. What I see in the mirror or when I get dressed everyday isn’t the way he sees me. It’s isn’t the way anyone sees me. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my body image.

I turn 30 this year and I am actually in the best shape I have ever been in my life. Before having kids and even after having my son I was overweight and never felt good about myself. I started losing weight to be able to keep up with my son, to be able to be the mom who went everywhere and did everything with her kids, and had enough energy to keep up with them (does that amount of energy even exist though). My first thought was never about myself, I never worried about how I felt. Since I’m putting it all out there, I've achieved all these things and I still see myself as the same person before I lost 50 pounds and before I changed my lifestyle. My mindset has changed slightly but it's still hard for me to look at myself and find some of my flaws.

Loving myself should have been something I should have worked on from day one. But coming up on turning 30 I realized something. I needed to focus on me more. I needed to learn how to love myself. So taking the steps to see myself the way others see me and countering the negative self talk in myself was one way to do that. Some days are better than others but there is always that nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I could work on this or that, I have too many dimples on my butt, or need to try to fix some part of my body.

When I decided to have such intimate pictures done I had no clue what to expect and I was afraid those nagging voices would pop up and ruin the whole thing. I spent hours trying to find the right outfits to wear and finding underwear that hid my extra skin. I showed up to Brittney’s studio feeling ready to puke and a bundle of emotions. Within ten minutes of walking through the door I was feeling better, I was getting my makeup done and I was chatting with Brittney and the makeup artist Morgan. I know Brittney. I have spent hours running with her, I feel comfortable with her. That’s one of the reasons I chose her to do my pictures. I've seen her work and thought, “I want to look like that!”

I sat down with Morgan and she asked me what I wanted for my makeup. I had no clue. I don’t wear makeup, I don’t know how to do it and my husband doesn’t like it when I wear a ton of it and frankly neither do I. She talked to me about what she thought would look good, and I felt like I could trust her. We chatted while she got to work and it felt good to be girly and have my makeup done. As soon as she was done Morgan took me to a mirror to look at myself and I couldn’t believe what I saw. I looked AMAZING. I had never seen myself look so good. Then the nerves hit me again, Morgan was leaving and it was time to get down to business.

I changed into my first outfit, Brittney told me to pick the one I felt the most comfortable in and covered me the most and we would go from there. Posing at first was awkward. I had no clue what I was doing or how to do anything. Brittney helped to ease the awkwardness and hearing how beautiful I was and how good I looked made me feel better about myself. She told me to think about something funny my husband did, to look out the window, and to just close my eyes. When we finished with the first outfit I felt completely different from the moment I started. My second and third outfit went so smoothly and Brittney showed me one of my pictures and I couldn’t believe what I saw. That was me on that tiny little screen looking at the camera like I was in control, like I believed in myself. And I did. I looked dang good too.

I walked away from Brittney’s studio thinking about how I had doubted myself, how good I felt, and how I couldn’t wait to see how everything turned out. When I sat down with Brittney to look at all the pictures I wanted to cry. I looked BEAUTIFUL. All of the things I had worried about showing up in the pictures I didn’t even see. My body looked strong, I looked fierce. Every picture I saw made me appreciate myself more. I wanted to cry looking at them, why couldn’t I just trust myself? This was an experience I will never forget and something I will always look back on (especially when I’m doubting myself).

“The problem isn’t with your body, the problem is what you think of it. And what you think of yourself”~ Unknown.

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I am Strong. I am Fierce. ~ Guest Blog, Vancouver, WA Boudoir Photography