I Did This for Me! ~ Guest Blog, Vancouver, WA Boudoir Photography
/I did this for me!
My whole life I have not liked my body. I have struggled with weight and self-esteem for as long as I can remember. My biological father would limit what I was allowed to eat. He would call me fat and tell me I wasn’t allowed to have seconds on dinner or even allowed to have dessert. My self-image struggles have been rooted deep since I was a little girl.
When Brittney offered her birthday shoots, I was still super hesitant. But I was turning 40 and I wanted so badly to feel good about myself. So, I signed up and committed myself to doing the shoot. I put the deposit in and started planning my outfits. I got myself excited, telling myself I had 4 months to lose the weight I wanted to. I would now have the motivation to lose that weight. I was absolutely convinced that I would lose the weight, show up to this shoot and feel like a million dollars, just because I was skinnier.
A month later I still had not started losing weight. And now it was the holidays. I love the holidays. I bake constantly and have many events that I attend. I always joke and tell people my diet is like Santa Clauses around the holidays. It was ok though. After the New Year I would start my weight loss journey. I wouldn’t lose quite as much as I had intended before the shoot but would still lose enough to feel sexy.
Well, as they say, life happens. I went through some emotional things in January. Ate too much chocolate in February and NOW…it was March! I was devastated. Thought about canceling my shoot. I went back and forth with some major head drama about it all. Then I realized that I had booked my appointment on a weekend I had all of my kids! So, I frantically emailed Brittney, kind of hoping she wouldn’t be able to reschedule, and I would have to cancel. However, because Brittney is freaking amazing, she was able to reschedule for the following weekend. Awesome, I had an extra week to try to shed at least a few pounds.
The weekend of the shoot came. I live 2 hours from Brittney’s studio, and this was for myself for my 40th birthday, so I went all out. I booked a room for myself in Vancouver and stayed up there the whole weekend. On the morning of the shoot, I was going crazy. So many thoughts and emotions running through my mind. I hadn’t lost ANY weight. Would my chosen outfits actually fit? Would they look good. Is it possible to feel sexy when I never feel that way?!
I packed up all my things and headed to the studio with plenty of time to spare. I sat in my car for a moment when I got there, I finished the song I was listening to. It was a motivational song by a strong woman, Unstoppable by Sia. Trying anything I could to get me hyped up with a smidgen of confidence.
When I walked in, meeting Brittney in person for the first time, I was still all jittery. Brittney was just lovely and kind with a beautiful smile to greet me. She introduced me to Coreene, the makeup artist and showed me where to put my things. Then! Then something awesome happened. I sat in the chair for hair and makeup and I felt completely at ease. The three of us chatted and got to know each other a bit. I had never had my makeup professionally done before. It was a lot of fun. When I saw my face and hair in the mirror, I was astonished! There I was! Beautiful looking! Dare I even say hot! For a very short moment I felt a high I don’t recall ever feeling before.
That was short lived though, because next it was time to put on my first outfit. EEEK! I was SO nervous. I don’t wear lingerie very often; I can’t remember the last time I put something on trying to be sexy. But, of course I did it, I put on my first outfit. You know that saying, fake it till you make it? That was kind of how I went into it all. I walked out and listened to Brittney’s instructions and we got started. It was kind of easy because I had so much to focus on. Brittney is super detailed and instructs your every movement. She’ll tell you exactly how to move each part of your body to get the best shot. And YES, it is a workout! This is not to say that those insecure thoughts didn’t creep in during the session, they were still there. It was just easier to ignore them because I was too busy listening to Brittney and what we were going to do next.
I really started to get into it. Three different outfits. Four different “settings”. Some laughs. And some major moments of me feeling like I was, in fact, sexy!!!!! My body was the same body. The difference was I wasn’t letting my brain control me, at that moment. The shoot lasted just over 2 hours. When it was all done and I put my clothes back on, I walked out of there still feeling that new high. I felt good about myself. I felt lifted and happy. That studio experience was exhilarating!
A week or so after the shoot was the reveal. OH boy, how was I this nervous again? I had felt so amazing after my shoot. I was now worried I would be the one client that hated everything about her photos. I was so worried that I would offend Brittney by my critiques. So, now I was worried I would hate the pictures of my body and that I would offend that artist who did them! Oh, the mind drama is deep with me.
The zoom call came in and it wasn’t like that at all! Once again, Brittney made me feel completely comfortable. We went through the process of choosing my photos and it was actually difficult for me to narrow it down! I couldn’t believe how much I loved photos of myself! My ass looked amazing! I was wowed for sure.
I need to say, that this shoot did not erase all the years of self-image issues I have. I still deal with it almost daily. However, what this shoot and Brittney gave me, was hope. Hope that even at 40 years old I could be beautiful and sexy! Knowing that is so inspiring to me.
Now that it’s all over, I have a beautiful portrait of myself hanging on the wall in my bedroom. I see it first thing every morning and constantly remind myself that I am sexy. I am beautiful. I don’t need validation from a parent or a lover to know my worth and my beauty. This process has been so good for me in so many ways and I have so much to thank Brittney for.
I did this for me!
